I HATE!!

I hate not having TV!! I have never really gone without at least basic channels my whole life so this only netflix thing is killing me!! I just wanted to come home and just turn it on for sound! I don't want to have to pick a movie and go through the struggle of making my shit-tastic DVD player want to play it to watch a movie I have already seen.
I CAN'T STAND IT!! But I am too cheap to pay for cable or anything because I am already paying for netflix! UGG!! There are certain shows that I watch online but that isn't the same, and I steal my Internet from my neighbor so it doesn't always work. Its not like I can go knock on his door and say "damn it my Internet isn't working! What's the deal???" oh well... I guess I will log on to MTV.com and watch The Hills from my kitchen table! AGAIN!!
AHH!!

Worky work work

I am sitting at work doing some research and I am completely over it! I really want to go home, I came in this morning at 9:00 but left for a bit at 5:00 but here I sit at 8:43 wishing I was at home on my couch. Oh well... only 17 more minutes.
It has been a pretty productive day, long but productive. I got an email from someone I totally didn't want to hear from and am annoyed that won't leave me alone. I think that I handled it well but I am still annoyed. If I ask you to leave me alone please do it!
Enough about that... I need to continue to research schools that offer an online GED program... UGG!!

Its SHOCKING!!

I am completely shocked at how disgusting people can be and the lies that we tell ourselves to feel better about it. Today was another perspective changing day and not for very good reasons.

I feel okay with it because I can't control what others do, say, or think but I can still be annoyed. I just have to keep telling myself that it makes me who I am and I am better because I handled the situation with class but I am feeling a little broken. My cold black heart was starting to warm up and now it just feels like it is going right back to where it was... I am feeling a little grinch-ish... my heart is too small for all of this nonsense.

I am going to bed.

Change in perspective

Tonight was a very eye opening evening for me. I have joined this book club and met some of the most wonderful women that have truly impacted my life in such a tangible way.

One of the women went to Africa on a mission trip this past week. She is a nuro-surgeon and was there helping with a free clinic. Her husband is a Construction Superstar and in the three weeks he is going to be there is going to help build homes, a shelter, and several play areas for the children in these villages.

In preparing for the trip she had told us of the needs of this South African community like clothes, socks, shoes, your basic meds, ibuprofen, Tylenol, Advil, and vitamins basic things that you don't think about not having.

Another one of the women felt like it was time for her 7 year old daughter to understand giving for a good cause. So they went through her closet and it was hard for mother and daughter to let go of her "favorite poodle shirt, and sparkly light up sketchers" This was something we talked about more than once in our group how this mother and daughter knowing it was going to a good cause still had a hard time giving up these items that no longer fit.

Holly, the doctor who went on the mission came to our group tonight after missing two weeks to tell us the stories of the tragedy of this poverty stricken area and how many people had been treated by witch doctors and suffered from HIV/AIDS.

There was a family that stood out to her, a grandmother who had just buried her daughter who lost her life to AIDS and was caring for her three children. The eldest girl is 9 but the size of a 4 or 5 year old, her younger brother is 7 and twice her size, and their tiny baby brother at 9 months old didn't even weigh 10lbs.

He was suffering badly from malnutrition, dehydration, HIV/AIDS, and TB. This poor child was fighting with all of his little body to live and losing. He was rushed to a hospital to be made comfortable. The family was too poor to get milk so they fed the infant tea which could not sustain him.

In the evaluations of the rest of the family they found out the older sister also had HIV/AIDS. Not only was she grieving from losing her mother but now she had the disease that took her and so did her baby brother. The 7 year old boy thankfully did not test positive.

Holly and her husband spent a lot of time with the family and in wanted to help in every way that they could, she wanted to give them gifts, help them, and love on them. To keep order they don't get to hang on to the items they bring to donate it causes to many problems with people from the villages fighting and becoming a danger so the donations of clothes and such are given discretely.

Holly just happened to be with the group that was giving out the shoes and noticed this white pair of sparkly light up sketchers that she had neatly packed away and brought along from the 7 year old Park City girls closet. She hoped that they would fit this young girl who was trying to come to grips with the death sentence she was just given. AND THEY DID!!

She was able to give little Tara's shoes to this girl (I wish I could remember her name) and it was one of the most heart wrenching and touching stories she told us with tears streaming down her face this girl danced and twirled to watch the shoes light up.

Holly was able to take a picture and she framed it to give to Tara's mother with a letter from this young girl (translated because she didn't speak much English) of her thankfulness for something as simple as shoes.

We all cried tonight trying to come to grips with the simple day to day things we take for granted. I look at my $200 boots and long for my ass to fit in my $140 jeans and yet I am healthy, I have a home, clean water, food, and loving friends and family. Yet I worry about stuff! It was quite an eye opening evening.

Maybe its the Answer I've been wanting in disguse

I am sitting at my table pondering how to spend the upcoming holiday weekend. I have an invitation to go either to the Grand Canyon or to Moab. I haven't been to either and I think it would be a really good time spent with new friends exploring the greatness of the outdoors. Which totally isn't my thing but I am intrigued with this opportunity, I feel like it could be a really good thing to get out of town and outside of myself. I also could just go home to the fam and the Ziels... I know that they are hoping that is what I choose but I don't know. If I end up staying here I am just going to spend the time with the homeless... I was there not to long ago and I could give back.
Things have been so hectic, new job, new apartment, and new friends. It seems so surreal I have "auto-pilot" moments when I drive towards Taylorsville ready to pull into my little garage and be met at the door by my little dog. None of that is true, Lily is still in Idaho and I don't have a garage I have a numbered spot in a parking lot up a steep hill. Don't get me wrong I love my new space but in the "rebuild" of my life I am in a very different place than what I envisioned when I moved back here.
I didn't think things would swing up and down so drastically, they have been very UP!! and then DOWN!!! more down than up but that is changing. As I think of it I have to remind myself that it makes me who I am and I have to not think about how alone I am right now. I have never slept alone, it sounds funny but I have always either had a boyfriend or more importantly my dog! I need to get on that doctors note! haha! (If you know what I am talking about you will laugh but I am not going to divulge my evil plot to get my Lily here! )
I have so many moments that seem so surreal... It is easy to want a certain life and yet know that it isn't going to happen but I am going to live in the moment and just see where life takes me.

Diet Coke, Fries, and a Frosty

I am sure in my quest to lose weight my lunch today was not the best choice. I was struggling on what I should eat because I needed a treat so the frosty filled that and I needed foody something fries did the trick and then a beverage... What better beverage could you have then I good ole DC!!??

But given that I have gained some unwanted lb's I don't think it was the best idea for such a gourmet lunch. Oh well I enjoyed it I had a stressful morning having to put together a training for our new call center agents so I splurged on the value menu at Wendy's.

I also made some really yummy scone things for my book club tonight I was so good I only ate two and they are tiny (the size of a doughnut hole) and left all of the rest for the gal's to enjoy. I am going to go to the gym tomorrow and see what it costs to join and then make a menu so that I can shed the extra lb's!

But right now it is time for bed!

Woke up and wished that I was dead...

"And the world spins madly on" I have found a new band that I love! The Weepies they are great kind of folky but I love them! I saw them on Dirty Sexy Money and then again on the movie Because I Said So which is actually pretty cute... I love me some Mandy Moore!
I think that I have made some plans for Thanksgiving, my new friends at church are going to take a road trip to the Grand Canyon! I have never been and I think it could be a lot of fun! So if everything works out as planned I will be giving thanks at the Grand Canyon! I think it will be so much fun!!
I have made a pact with myself that I am going to be more fiscally responsible. Doing so I decided that any money I spend on silly things will have to come either from my bonus or from some other means... I decided that turning tricks on the corner while could be quite profitable wasn't really the best way to get some extra cash! haha!! I did end up going do donate plasma it is a quick and almost painless way to do something good and also get a little bit of money. So I paid for my new hat this morning with "Blood Money" haha!!
But in my quest for financial freedom in selling my plasma I also had to be weighed... UGG!! I was so distraught about that number it was really upsetting to me! So I am joining a gym with the remainder of my blood money. I am tired of feeling like Fatty McFat pants. My weight has fluctuated a lot in the past few months and I am tired of the see-saw effect it is having on my body and emotions. So I will be a gymer! haha!!
I scooted to church today! It was a little cold but nice to be out! I did have to buy a beanie cause my ears were frozen but that is okay it was a really great service I have a new hat and I got to ride my scoot without incident. That is all a girl can ask for! :)