Wow... I just was smacked in the face of how my life has become so pathetic, empty, and false with a well needed dose of reality that in and of itself is extremely scary. I have fallen off the stage of my well scripted (often ad-libbed) Broadway production on my face in the dark hoping that no one will notice my brokenness, but I am paralyzed in fear because I can not get up without help.
My life as of late has been how do I put this delicately, not the easiest. Most of my issues if not all are completely self induced. The past year at least I have lived with a festering wound of self-deprecation and pity medicated by all of the vices I embrace, a band-aid of material things, drugs, alcohol, and empty or unrealistic relationships that I purchase with my time, money, and emotion (or lack of). I have made some very poor choices and in some situations continue to which is tough .
Tough to think that I have no control over what people think of me or what they might say or how I will feel about it. I can try and put on a hard exterior, build walls around my "cold black heart" that I don't care or that I don't grasp the severity of what I am doing or have done but I do, BELIEVE me I do, to the extent that I can given that I am trying to get a grip with thoughts of people I have hurt and abandoned. I am wrestling with things that I have never had to deal with before, not really things that I am willing to blog about in specifics but general themes in my life that I am struggling with. But things that I want to delve head first into so that I can change the patterns of destruction, anger, apathy, and hurt.
People that I deeply care about and can't reach out to because I feel so bad. I know that if I said what needed to be said, which may not be how I feel, but said what needs to be, the wounds might be to deep, to painful, to epic to even imagine. Trying to fathom what the world would hold after the dust clears makes my stomach turn. I have become so intrinsically aware of how my actions effect everyone in my world and far reaching outside its guarded walls. I might have wounded some that I will never even meet or get a chance to hastily put together some sort of reasoning behind my missteps, not like there is reasoning beyond my own selfishness.
I wanted to feel something besides sad and lonely! I DID even if it was often false, unfair, or without thought of consequence. I have to stop trying to dictate when and how I will feel feelings and not let it effect me so far down the road. I have been bottling these thoughts and emotions for years and have based my self worth on them and it is time to let it go.
It reminds me of a song that I love but never really put too much thought into the words having meaning for me in my life. All though my struggle is more internal than it is dealing with "the weight of two beauties" they are like a knife jabbing into me, ripping away at the untruth and making things much more difficult than I had anticipated.
"What of the mother whose house is in flames, and both of children are in their beds crying? she loves them both with the whole of her heart but she knows she can carry only one at a time. She is chocking on the smoke of unthinkable choices and she is haunted by the voices of so many desires and she is bent over from the business of begging forgiveness while frantically running around putting out fires. but then what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties, the gravity of duties, or the ground speed of joy? And tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation what kind of equation could I possibly employ?"
