Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!!!


Today is Halloween one of my favorites if not my fav day of the year!! Yay! I don't have any big plans might be going to a movie or something haven't decided yet. I did get a really great costume I am excited to wear but I think that will wait until tomorrow when I go out with Olyea and Jeffy! Happy Halloween everyone! Have a great and spooky day!!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hooray!!!


YAY!!! YAY for me!! I have finally rejoined the ranks of the working class! No not temp not crazy Indians not a stupid jewelery store but a real live job that will easily turn into a real live career!

I could throw up I am so excited!! I officially start tomorrow, would have started today but they didn't have a desk or anything ready for me. They are in the process of setting up a new office. It is right downtown which is so nice because I live downtown now and it is maybe a 3 minute drive I could scoot or walk if I felt like being that ambitious... (probably not haha)

I don't know what my title will be I will write another blog to let everyone know once I know. I could do cartwheels this is so great!! I have also in my kind of unemployed-ness found a lot of really cool bands online. I have had too much time to just sit and email myself adds from craigslist and listen to new music... I love the Semi Precious Weapons... "I can't pay my rent but I am fucking gorgeous!" LOVE IT!! They also have this really great jewelry line, of like a broken heart and axe necklace called the "borden heart" I totally love the story of Lizzy Borden, "Lizzy Borden had an axe she gave her mother 40 whacks, when her father saw what she had done she gave him 41" really great old movie... I need to see if I can find that on net flix. I also have loved the sillines of Jeffry Star... as pictured above he is a crazy loon but hilarious! Well I better go, I am on my scoot today, my Internet won't work so I had to make a trip to the tea grotto

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I wanna!

I have decided that I want to learn how to play an instrument. I have always wanted to but I have never put any real effort into finding a class or someone who can teach me. I want to learn how to play the guitar or the piano. I love piano, but I don't have one and they are very cumbersome. So maybe the guitar, not just rock band or guitar hero style like a real life guitar.
I can't sing, (unless you ask Rita) but I still do I am always making up songs and singing along to whatever is on and I really want to be able to put a tune to my little ditty's.
I need to find a man (or woman) about a guitar... and lessons.... hopefully free! haha!!
I also have an interest in the drums, but they again are cumbersome and much more difficult to practice given that I don't have a garage, a band and I do have both arms (ouch bad joke, I shouldn't poke fun at a one armed drummer) I was in love with a boy in high school who was a drummer and I am pretty sure he still is and I love it, I have taken a liking to the drum kit on rock band but I don't really have a whole lot of rhythm so I don't think I could really do it. That foot thing really messes with my mind!!
When we were younger my sister got piano lessons and the other one got violin lessons (also a sound I love) so why shouldn't I try my hand at something now? My parents were always too poor for me to ever go. Alix was babysitting her way into the piano lessons and the violin lessons were a gift to Sam for something that I don't remember.
I really wish that I could sing but there is no changing how bad my voice is without well me dying and being reincarnated into someone who isn't tone deaf! haha!! If I had a choice I would have a raspy haunting voice... but I can't choose that so I guess I will just stick with trying to learn to play something.

I am a girl who has lost her cocaine



"I just don't wanna... so I am walking away. There is nothing you can do I will not stay no I don't need drama so I am walking away yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate" I love Sia! She is so damn crazy! Her voice is haunting and her lyrics are amazing I love her. I have been downloading a bunch of her music tonight I am really excited except I left my Ipod and cords in the car. OH well I live in a safe neighborhood so I am not going to worry about it. I would put some of it on the Iphone but again the cords are in the car.


I had to get a new cord for my stupid computer! UGG!! I am so irritated. I ordered one online it has yet to arrive so I also had to go to best buy and get one. One good thing about that I don't have to lie, the stupid thing does not charge the battery, it will only work if it is plugged into the outlet. So that is a relief when the new one comes in the mail I can take the one I am using now back with a clear conscience...


Oh yeah and I found a Halloween costume! Hooray!! I have no where to go in it but I do have one and it was half off! so exciting

Monday, October 27, 2008

Money money money must be funny in a rich mans world


I am so tired of money!! Trying to figure out how I am going to make it and how poorly I manage it I am so TIRED!! I hate thinking about it I could scream it is so irritating. I am sitting here blogging about how frustrated I am because I am freaking out on what I am going to do before the 1st to make sure that my carefully constructed house of cards doesn't come tumbling down.


It is so annoying!! I can hardly breathe it is such a weight on my shoulders.


Oh well, it seems like I am always making something work and that is just what I will do, I will make something work. It will be quite the juggling act but I will make it work. I have to I just have to. I have a few difficult phone calls to make and then I will be on my way back to SLC so I can go to the several job interviews that I have set up for the next few days. I am really excited about them too, it seems like they could be really promising. It is nice to be excited again to feel some positive stress not just scary overwhelming stress. But now I need to get on the phone, not my phone either of my phones because they are dead, and I didn't bring the chargers so I will call from the house phone and I also need to shut down the computer given that my stupid charger blew up! UGG!! oh well... I am going to stick with excitement

Halloween

I still haven't even thought of what I am going to be for Halloween! It is probably my very favorite holiday and I have no idea what to dress up as. This shouldn't be terribly upsetting given that I don't really have anywhere to go on Halloween but it still is kind of.
Jennifer and Steve are having a party at there house I think I am going to go to that but I don't know as what and costumes are required for entry. There is also some fab prize for the winner of the best costume contest. I do like to win!
I really don't know what to go as... the devil get up is getting old, I could go goth, but I don't know that I will. I am sure that I will think of something I have a few days before I have to start scrambling. I suppose I could go as a pirate, that is really popular this year. I know that the Z family well at least MZ and BZ are going Arrghhh! I don't know what to do, I am so lame this year. I usually am so pumped and can't think of anything else but this year is blah... LAME LAME LAME!!! Oh well I better get back to what I was doing. Hope all of you have a costume idea.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Spoooky!!!


I am going to a haunted house!! I didn't get to go last year because I don't know why I didn't get to but I am going this year! Oh wait I was just reminded that I did get to go to a DARE haunted house in Idaho last year but it was lame so it was easily forgotten.

I am so excited, we have already purchased our tickets and I can't hardly wait! It will be so much fun. Sam hasn't been to a good haunted house ever. Honestly I don't know if she can take it but we are going to give it a whirl. Last time I went to a good haunted house (like 2 years ago) I was behind the cutest boy and his family and I kept intentionally getting closer to him. That is because I was completely wasted and I was worried I couldn't hold myself up but that is beside the point. He was super cute and his mom told him to get my number but he was embarrassed and once he realized how drunk I was I don't think he was interested. Oh well... that wasn't the point of this blog. The point was I AM GOING TO A HAUNTED HOUSE BITCHES!!!

I am also going sober so it won't be as fun as it has been in the past but either way I am a screamer I don't know that Sam will enjoy that I am "that girl" the characters chase to make the house seem scarier than it is.

I try to let everyone around me know that I am "that girl" so they can choose another place in line or follow behind a little closer to know when something creepy is coming up.

My stomach is turning in anticipation, or the fact that I have eaten like non-stop today... but I do have some yummy potato's waiting for me! ha ha!!!

AHH!!!

I am kind of freaking out today! Everything is getting very complicated, I wish things could just calm down.... I hate freak out mornings, I am trying to deal with stupid Insurance stuff and the lack of Insurance stuff and money... good god man I hate money. I am having a freak out morning!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Destiny


So I have decided that it is Sam and I's destiny to watch sad movies, we ALWAYS pick horrendously sad movies. Most of them are good but there are very few that are not sad. I have enjoyed most don't get me wrong but I need something uplifting now. We have been switching off from the movies we pick that we haven't seen which will inevitably be sad and Disney movies that I own. You have to have a little pick me up after you watch a cripple who helped another cripple find his "voice" die and then watch Charlize Theron abandon her child. It is nice to have a little Ella Enchanted or Shark's Tale after morning the loss of the other characters.


I don't know where this comes from our inherent need to watch heart wrenching tragedy but it is few and far between that we find something that doesn't have the general theme of overwhelming sadness, apathy, and death. To the point that I don't let her pick movies anymore and I will pick ones that I have already seen. Sometimes you need a good cry but not two or three times in a weekend.... It goes a little overboard. But oh well, we have another sad movie to watch, Donnie Darko, not just sad but weird that is another underlying theme WEIRD! I am not going to even talk about the other movie we got, it was more than weird. The damn thing was porn, straight up porn and not straight porn mostly gay porn. More than I could take, I sent it back before we even got a half an hour into it. TOO WEIRD! Don't get Shortbus! It is not about tards!! It is porn!! Now I am going to watch Children of Men I am sure that it is sad or weird but I am going to see how it goes.


I did also finish the first season of Six Feet Under, I love that show. Also sad and weird but great, the second season is coming soon. I wanted to let Sam see some movies first but next week when she goes home then I will start season two. I think I might mix it up a little bit after season two with some Dexter season one so Sam and I can watch season two over thanksgiving or christmas.

Bear....

I found on my way back to Utah from Idaho this week that you can change almost every Damien Rice song into being about a Bear. I don't know that Sam thought this was as funny as I did but, good god man that was freaking funny!!
Sam came back with me this time, one to see my new place, two so that she could get her math stuff done and just take the damn GED test. A friend of mine helped her last night and she is at a very basic level but with a little more studying she will be able to take the test in November and just be done.
I also am taking advantage of her being here so I can utilize her thrifty-ness. I myself am not very thrifty but she is the queen. I went to the Gateway and didn't purchase anything. That is a feat! It was nice to see Dan he cut his hair!! It looks good, he is the only Utah friend I see anymore and that is only when I go into the Apple Store and say hello. Matt and Emily bought a house, it looks beautiful (from the blog) I don't know what Darcie is up to Dan never has time to chat. I did get to go to lunch with Ritchie and his little family that was nice, his kiddos are getting so big. I miss our insurance days just cause he is so funny. Shannon is in Boston and I haven't spoken to her since her wedding.
I have been going to this small group at my church which has been nice, the ladies in it are so sweet. I had better run I am going to go make some potato's for brunch its damn near 11 and I am just getting up from my Internet surfing...

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I am a ROCK STAR!!!


Rock Band and Guitar Hero are the SHIT!! I have been playing both, Rock Band at the Ziels and Guitar Hero III at my house. It has been so fun! I like the drums on Rock Band and the guitar on Hero. It is so so so so so so much fun! I am okay on easy on both games but it is really easy to get addicted to. I am glad that I have had a chance to hang out and play.
I also cleaned out my parents fridge... damn, that was a yucky mess something spilled and was all over almost everything. GROSS!! It is really clean now, bleached and cleaned. I also cleaned out my car which was kinda gross too... Lola decided that she needed a car ride not too long ago and I had to vacuum it all out and wipe everything down. I need to get some fabreeze so it doesn't smell like a big bulldog. That will have to come later, I was going to clean Alix's too but she has so many items that take too long to clean out. I don't want to go in and out of the house before I go and vacuum it.

Anyway... my day has been very boring I have spent it cleaning and playing guitar hero.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Love Lockdown...

So I have been downloading new music while I am watching the finally of Project Runway, I am obsessed with the new Kanye song "Love Lockdown" it is amazing. You lose!
It is really a great song! I also downloaded a lot of sad songs I have been in the mood for sad songs as of late. But I did also get some really peppy ones too, can't go without a good mix of happy, sad, and silly.
I am also obsessed with TI I really like a lot of his stuff, all the stuff with Rhianna is great! I am listening to whatever you like right now... GREAT!! good good good goodness... Better finish the show so I can get ready for a very busy day.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Built a skyscraper of procrastination


Wow... I just was smacked in the face of how my life has become so pathetic, empty, and false with a well needed dose of reality that in and of itself is extremely scary. I have fallen off the stage of my well scripted (often ad-libbed) Broadway production on my face in the dark hoping that no one will notice my brokenness, but I am paralyzed in fear because I can not get up without help.
My life as of late has been how do I put this delicately, not the easiest. Most of my issues if not all are completely self induced. The past year at least I have lived with a festering wound of self-deprecation and pity medicated by all of the vices I embrace, a band-aid of material things, drugs, alcohol, and empty or unrealistic relationships that I purchase with my time, money, and emotion (or lack of). I have made some very poor choices and in some situations continue to which is tough .


Tough to think that I have no control over what people think of me or what they might say or how I will feel about it. I can try and put on a hard exterior, build walls around my "cold black heart" that I don't care or that I don't grasp the severity of what I am doing or have done but I do, BELIEVE me I do, to the extent that I can given that I am trying to get a grip with thoughts of people I have hurt and abandoned. I am wrestling with things that I have never had to deal with before, not really things that I am willing to blog about in specifics but general themes in my life that I am struggling with. But things that I want to delve head first into so that I can change the patterns of destruction, anger, apathy, and hurt.


People that I deeply care about and can't reach out to because I feel so bad. I know that if I said what needed to be said, which may not be how I feel, but said what needs to be, the wounds might be to deep, to painful, to epic to even imagine. Trying to fathom what the world would hold after the dust clears makes my stomach turn. I have become so intrinsically aware of how my actions effect everyone in my world and far reaching outside its guarded walls. I might have wounded some that I will never even meet or get a chance to hastily put together some sort of reasoning behind my missteps, not like there is reasoning beyond my own selfishness.


I wanted to feel something besides sad and lonely! I DID even if it was often false, unfair, or without thought of consequence. I have to stop trying to dictate when and how I will feel feelings and not let it effect me so far down the road. I have been bottling these thoughts and emotions for years and have based my self worth on them and it is time to let it go.


It reminds me of a song that I love but never really put too much thought into the words having meaning for me in my life. All though my struggle is more internal than it is dealing with "the weight of two beauties" they are like a knife jabbing into me, ripping away at the untruth and making things much more difficult than I had anticipated.


"What of the mother whose house is in flames, and both of children are in their beds crying? she loves them both with the whole of her heart but she knows she can carry only one at a time. She is chocking on the smoke of unthinkable choices and she is haunted by the voices of so many desires and she is bent over from the business of begging forgiveness while frantically running around putting out fires. but then what kind of scale compares the weight of two beauties, the gravity of duties, or the ground speed of joy? And tell me what kind of gauge can quantify elation what kind of equation could I possibly employ?"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I can't win....

So I came to Idaho for a little bit to work for my dad and get some cash flow. I ended up coming for quite awhile, I was helping my mom do some filing and she wanted me to go get lunch which I was totally okay with. I went to Wendy's to get a #1 with the largest diet coke they have and I decided on a spicy chicken. I get back to the shop and start eating then it hit me, I sharp pain in the right side of my mouth. Debilitating pain, I was about half way through my sandwich and I had to run to the bathroom to throw up it hurt so bad. So I decided to all Alicia she is a dental assistant and also teaches dental assisting where she works.
Mom told me to just have it pulled... well it isn't a tooth real far back in my mouth and it would have looked really stupid to be missing it. So Dr. J says that he can save it and he is willing to give me a really good deal if I let him drill out the infection and fill it with medication and a temporary, given that I have been in and out of pain since it broke damn near 10 years ago I was more than willing to let him do this. It didn't take too long, it did take a lot of numbing stuff my teeth don't numb easily. I felt 3 of the 4 wisdom teeth as they came out when I had that done at 16. I am feeling better even though I looked like I had a stroke and I still feel like I was kicked in the face but, I would rather that then the pain I have been in for the last few weeks.
I can't seem to get ahead, I have now been to the dentist, and the hospital 5 times.... Oh well!
Things have to start looking up soon! They have to!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sleeping Beauty...

I am watching Sleeping Beauty with my little niece and I have to say it is my favorite Disney Movie. I love it and always have, when I was a little girl I wanted to be Aurora. She is beautiful and talented and has three fairies who want to make her look fab and eat cake!! MY FAVORITE!!
I still want to be Aurora or Rose whatever you want to call her she is great. Who knew that you could fall in love with a prince in one day? Well you can! And you have two ladies yelling make it pink make it blue! about your dress and about your cake it would be wonderful!
well I better get back to it I have to do my dad's homework and I have to get Anastasia some more cereal, she has to go home after the movie and she is very worried about getting more Cinnamon toast crunch before that happens.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Just another Manic Monday... wish it were Sunday cause thats my Funday


I spent most of my day with Olyea on Sunday and we had a really good time. We didn't do anything in particular, just sat at her house and watched movies. Seems like my lot in life as of late to just watch movies and hang out.

I re-wrote my resume today, waiting for the edit. I am sure that it will be changed for the better, the person I sent it to is a resume master.

So I have spent the bulk of the morning looking for jobs with Empire Records in the back ground it is nice to listen to movies from the other room that you have seen a million times because you don't really have to see it. "Its Rex Manning Day!" The person that lives next to me is very ill, she has been coughing all morning and I couldn't tell if it was human or not. She has been hacking so hard it sounds like a cat trying to cough up a hair ball or something it is disgusting. I am glad when I am that sick I don't sound so terrible, when I am really sick my cough sounds fake it is really shallow and sounds like I am a big fat faker trying to get out of something I don't want to do. Weird...

I should probably get back to it, just thought that I would write a little blog before I get back on the job search.

"Because Warren that would hurt alot!" haha!! Love it!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Crazy, crazy for feeling so lonesome...


I didn't want to be alone today, but what happened... I am alone. Oh well, I am okay with I guess I ended up going to the store and then decided that I wanted print some pictures. When I was putting the ones that I have into a album I noticed that I had very few of my smallest girlfriend Danica. So I printed some off I love them they turned out really cute. I still have quite a few pages in the book before it is full but I will worry about that later.

I need to take some more recent ones I haven't since August. I think I am going to take some with Olyea tomorrow. I am going to meet up with her after church.

I did get to chat with Michelle tonight it was good to talk to her. She is doing well, she got to go on a little road trip with Brian and the Kiddos. Bri Guy has to work so she will get to hang out with a friend from high school. Which will be good for her. I am glad I got to talk to her, I rarely do. I miss them a lot, I should have given Bri Guy a hug before I left when I was there before. I know that he was struggling with the passing of a dear friend. I feel really bad I have struggled a lot with quite a few things but not death. Thankfully not that but I should have given him a hug and let him know how much I love he and his family.

I am watching another movie Lucky number Sleven, great movie. Great Movie!! I better get back to it its starting to get intense, they just told Josh Hartnet (Sleven) that he has to kill the Rabbi's son the Fairy. Getting interesting.

A little less conversation....


I have been watching a lot of movies since I have moved into my new place. I don't have a co axle cable so I don't know if I even get local channels. I have watched some really good ones, Ella Enchanted, The Departed, Garden State, Saving Silverman, Funny Girl, Dream Girls, Run Lola Run, Half Nelson, and Pan's Labyrinth. That is what I have on now, I had forgotten how sad this movie is. I am going to have to watch something funny after cause it is too sad.

The bad captain is sewing his mouth shut where the woman cut it. OUCH!!

I went to Target this morning, afternoon whatever I tried to call Darcie to see if she wanted to go I know how she loves Target but she didn't answer. I haven't been able to get a hold of her for a long time. I don't think I have seen her since I crashed I haven't really seen any of my friends since I crashed. I call and no answer from most. Oh well life is busy I understand that.

My tummy hurts, I shouldn't have eaten the chocolate that I had earlier today it isn't making me feel good. I finally got some food, when I went to the store the other day I got a few things but not the basics so I went and did that. Food has gotten so expensive! When did apple juice get up to 3 bucks? Yikes!!

I think I am going to go to a movie tonight I need to get out of the house it is rainy and yucky and I don't want to listen to it anymore.

Hmm... where to start.


So here I go, update on what is going on in my life. I have moved downtown, I really like it I don't sleep well here but I am not used to the unusual noise here. The upstairs neighbor nice guy and an amazing cook (at least from the smell) but odd... He has sex in the middle of the day or watches porn promptly at one. It is weird but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that it is his own rather than a tape or DVD.
I decided that I am not going to get cable or satellite I am going to netflix it. When I find a more permanent job I won't be home enough to watch it and I don't want to be a couch potato.
I have moved too many times in my short stay in Utah and I have also spent way too much time being sick or wounded. I am not scared of my scooter anymore I have ridden it quite a bit. I wish that I could wear real shoes on both feet but I am okay with my hospital shoe for now. I need to go back in for some sort of follow up visit for my foot but I really don't want to I think I am just going to show it to one of my friends who is in the medical field and call it good.
I am so glad that I have my own place again!!! It is fantastic, I need to have a little house warming party but I don't know when.
My dad is coming down today if it isn't too rainy. He needs to get some stuff for work, I hope that he is able to come. I moved everything on Wednesday so that I wouldn't have to worry about the rain. I am glad that I did so that I would have time to get everything put away, it is almost put away but put away for the most part. I don't have a lot of storage but that is okay.
Olyea is moving or going to try and move to Cali. I hope that it works out for her she needs a change in a positive direction. I am going to her court date with her, and hopefully she will be divorced. I guess that her douche of a still husband soon to be no longer husband has signed all the papers but for some reason she will need to go to court this month.
I am sad to be out of Julie's I didn't realize how much I liked her. We were really getting along and things were great it was a good temporary place and I will miss it. I went there yesterday to get some mail and was sad to scoot away. But then I pulled up the hill and into my new spot and I loved it!!
I need to get online and find a cover for my scoot so I will blog again later~

Friday, October 3, 2008

Yay!!


So I finally have my own place again! It is great I live downtown no more burbs for me! haha... I love it I have been here for two days I don't really sleep but that is okay it always takes me a while before I can sleep in a new place. I love having my stuff back I didn't realize how much I have it was a pain in the butt to get it all moved in here but that is okay.

I moved almost everything by myself I ended up having to ask a homeless guy if he could help me. He was collecting cans from the dumpster in the parking lot and I had already called the mormons and the catholics and starving students and everyone had said they couldn't help until after noon well I needed to get the truck back by noon so I was desprate for the help. He was really nice and clean, I offered him a little bit of money and he was more than willing to help.

I then borrowed a dear friends truck and got the rest moved, I did lock my keys in my car cause I am a loser and I always do that but oh well!!

I AM IN!! I HAVE MY OWN PLACE!!